Grace.

On November 9, 2013, we discovered that babyMat #2 was expected to join our family next year. The entire week before, I had been hyper-emotional. Like crying over the stupidest, most petty things, emotional. I figured that was a bit odd, but didn't really think much of it. And as the week continued, I just continued to become more and more tired. Little did I know...

The day that we found out, Levi and I were heading to Frankfort, KY to attend a baby shower for one of my close friends from Florida. On the 1-hour drive home, I was exhausted. It was only 3 o'clock in the afternoon, yet I felt like I couldn't stay awake. As soon as I got home, I crashed on our bed for almost 2 hours. When I woke up, I just knew I needed to take a pregnancy test.

Positive! Whoa.

Brian was surprised, but overjoyed when I showed him. I was happy, but also had a lot of other emotions floating around in my head. The baby was due to arrive on my mom's birthday: July 14, 2014. That would put our two little ones 19-20 months apart. This excited me, but scared me all the same. As the days went on and I was able to talk to a few close friends, they encouraged me! I knew it would be hard those first few months, but what close friends Levi and his brother or sister would be! My apprehension turned into great anticipation as I thought about what this little guy or gal would add to our family.

Levi wasn't so thrilled when we
first told him about the new baby...

As the days went on, I grew more nauseous and more hungry! Simultaneously. I found it strange that I was feeling nauseous so early on--when I was pregnant with Levi, I didn't feel that way until at least 8 weeks. But I counted it a good sign! Our little babyMat was growing in there and taking everything out of mommy in order to do so! And maybe because I was so nauseous that meant it was a girl? Brian was hopeful--which was adorable to me!

I began daydreaming about baby names and about decorating a nursery for a sweet baby girl. I began thinking about how fun (albeit, crazy) it would be to have two little boys so close in age and I grew to love that idea too. Whatever the Lord blessed us with--boy or girl--we were excited for!

On November 21, I began to miscarry the little life we were so excited for. We had to schedule an emergency ultrasound that day to determine what was happening with the baby. The ultrasound wasn't able to determine that I was actually having a miscarriage, but my doctor was able to determine that the baby was measuring at 5.5 weeks along. According to my date calculations, the baby should have been 6.5 weeks along at that point. This either meant that my dates were off or that the baby had died and stopped growing the week before.

I knew in my heart that the latter option was true.

We went home, trying to stay hopeful, but preparing for the worst. Physically, my condition did continue to grow worse and my body began to reject the baby. It has been an extremely emotional few days, to say the least.

I don't write this to gain pity or for any condolences. I wanted to write about this experience for several reasons: to record my feelings, to reflect on all the details of this baby's brief life, and to make the realities of miscarriage known.

One thing that I have read that helps with the grief of miscarriage is naming the baby. Doing this gives the baby an identity and keeps with the idea that no matter how tiny the life, the baby will never be forgotten.

Brian and I have decided to name this baby Grace.

Grace taught us about the brevity of life. Here one minute and gone the next. She taught us about God's grace in giving us our next breath, our next minute, our next day. It's not something we deserve, yet He sustains each of our lives. And He also ends life in His time.

Baby Grace has shown me that I should never take one day with her brother Levi for granted. Because as quickly as she was gone, he could've been gone as well.

Grace reminded me of the blessing I have in her daddy. Oh, what a blessing he has been through this entire experience--taking over all the Levi duties, the household duties, and still working so hard to pay our bills. God has shown His grace to me by gifting me with my husband.

God's grace has been shown through our community group and close friends at Sojourn Community Church. They have provided meals, taken care of Levi everyday, and even just sat for hours and kept me company when Brian had to go to work. This has been such a gift so that I am able to rest and recover.

I'm sure in the coming days and years we will continue to learn from our losing of this sweet life. We may never understand why this has happened, but we certainly rest in the fact that God is in control of all things and we can have hope in His promises.

This post is a tribute to baby Grace. Never born, but never forgotten.

Levi: Week 47 & 48 Summary

What a two weeks this has been! Busy, busy, busy--and it's only going to get worse as we begin the holiday season. Levi has seriously become a little boy over the past two weeks! It's crazy how much he has grown and developed. Here's a summary of his 47th and 48th week, spanning the dates of October 26-November 8th.

FEEDING
Levi is still nursing! Hooray! He is doing really great and is a lot less distracted these days. He nurses 4 times per day for about 5 minutes. So its quick and easy these days! We will start the weaning process within the next week, which I look forward to but also have a twinge of sadness about. However, I do feel accomplished that we reached our goal of nursing for a full year.

Our big boy has an ever-growing appetite! He is still eating the same amounts of purees as normal, but I have been giving him finger foods after every meal now. Nothing that requires much work--just apple slices, pita with hummus, or whatever we are having for dinner. He is LOVING it and his fine motor skills have greatly improved in the past two weeks! My hope is that when he turns one, we will slowly stop purees altogether and move on to "big boy food". Now that I know he actually gets most of his finger foods in his mouth, I am much more comfortable with letting him feed himself. Plus, its much easier on me!

NAPS
For the most part, his naps are still the same. He had a bit of trouble toward the end of week 48 because he was a bit congested. He would fall asleep without a problem, but he would start stirring around the 45-60 minute mark and had trouble getting himself back to sleep. That usually only happened during his first nap of the day. Usually, if I remembered to give him his Benadryl before putting him down, he would do a bit better with getting through that sleep transition.

I am wondering when he'll drop to two naps? He seems to be a bit of a late bloomer in the sleep department--he's like me and requires a lot of sleep. So I'm not going to rush it! I like his third nap, because it helps me get dinner going in the late afternoon :)

NIGHTTIME
Now, I don't wanna jinx myself, but since moving into our new house Levi has slept super well at night. It might be a few factors combined--his room is farther from the road in this house, the morning sun doesn't shine directly through his windows anymore, his room is carpeted so it's a bit warmer. I don't know if any of these factors have played into it, but little man has slept through the night almost every night since we've moved in. He has woken around 6 AM on occasion, but I just feed him a bit and put him right back down and he usually will sleep until at least 7. Either way, I'm happy that he'll at least sleep from 7 PM to 6 AM consistently. It's been a long time comin'!

WAKE TIME
I haven't talked about this in a while, but not much has changed. Usually his first wake time is about 1.5 hours and every one from there on out is about 2 hours. Levi does super well playing independently and he officially loves any toy that lights up and makes noise (like any other kid)! Brian and I are so excited for his birthday and Christmas, so we can get him some fun new toys to play with.

MOTOR SKILLS
The last time I updated on Levi, he had had a wonder week. I'm always amazed once we actually get through the terrible-ness of those wonder weeks, the advancements that Levi makes in his skills. Here are new things Levi can do since that time:

• He now gets up on all fours consistently and will rock back and forth. He will still only scoot on his belly, but we can tell he is getting a bit more curious about crawling the "right way". 
• Levi will reach into his little "snacker" and pick up Puffs or Cheerios with his thumb and forefinger.
• He is becoming more adventurous and will often crawl from room to room.
• Levi has pulled up on his rocking chair one time, but because it wasn't stable, he fell and bumped his cheek. He hasn't done it since :(
• He is putting more and more syllables together, but still won't say anything but Da-da. (Funny story: he now screams "Da-da" when I change his clothes or his diaper. He hates being cold, so he'll just cry out for Brian, even if he's not home. Apparently, Levi thinks I'm torturing him.)
• Levi loves to try to stand now, if we help support him. He has even tried putting one foot in front of the other!

OUTINGS/EVENTS
Brian's mom and dad visited us during this time frame! It was so nice to see them, plus they really helped us a ton with our new house. We went to Cincinnati one day to get some house supplies from IKEA. Boy, I love that store. It was Levi's first time, and he wasn't particularly thrilled! He was already way tired by the time we got there and he was not entertained. That made for a quicker trip than we would've liked, but that's life with a kiddo!

This was the first day that Levi was back to "normal" in our new place!

His new room! I love it's coziness and brightness.

Just normal everyday stuff! He still adores the swings...and Thomas the Train.

Fall weather fun!

And Levi's new way to sit in a shopping cart! He likes to take everything in.

That's all for these two weeks! Pretty soon, I'll be updating on my one year old :(

Levi: Week 46 Summary

I'm a bit late this week on the summary for Levi--mostly because we've been moving every belonging that we own and cleaning, and doing more moving and more cleaning, all with curtain hanging and unpacking in the middle. Goodness, it has been a long and exhausting week! But, back to Levi. Here is a recap of his 46th week--from October 19-25.

FEEDING
I noticed my milk supply take a dip this week. This could be because I stopped pumping at night before bed, because goodness, that was getting old. I realized that not pumping could affect me in that way (since that pumping acted as a "5th feeding"), but I figured I'd try the odds and if we had to buy formula for a month, so be it. It has definitely dropped a bit (from what I can tell), but Levi doesn't really seem phased by it. So, we press on! Only one more month to nurse my little guy--it's bittersweet.

Solids are still the same. Levi eats 3 oz of oatmeal in the morning, 4 oz of pureed veggies/fruit in the afternoon and 4 oz for dinner. He seems fairly satisfied! Some nights he seems to be a bit more hungry after his 4th ounce, so I usually give him yogurt or applesauce or finger foods until he is full.

NAPS
Levi's naps were actually pretty consistent this week, despite our moving. He is pretty spot on with a 1 hour nap in the morning, a 2 hour nap in the afternoon, and a 30-45 minute nap in the early evening.

NIGHTTIME
From what I can remember, Levi did well with sleeping through the night during this time frame. It's all a bit of a blur now. But if he did wake, it was only one time per night, and usually anywhere from 5-6 AM. I just quickly nursed him and put him right back to sleep. There were several nights that he slept through though, so I was really happy about that as I reflected on the previous nightmare of a week!

TEETHING
Man, these teeth are so stubborn! Still no sign of his right top lateral incisor. It's literally just under his gum, but hasn't cut through yet. I could tell this week, he was dealing with a lot more teething pain. His cheeks kept getting red, which is an indicator that his teeth are giving him trouble. We used a lot of teething tablets this week!

VOCABULARY AND MOTOR SKILLS
This week, Levi perfected "Da-da" and I think he started really relating the word to Brian. He won't say anything else though...no matter how many times I say Mama in his ear. Levi also perfected his waving hello and goodbye this week! He now knows to wave when someone says either word and he'll actually wave at the person, not at himself.

WONDER WEEK
On top of our crazy move, combined with teething pain, this was also a wonder week for Levi--and it showed! He was just all around miserable, clingy, and cranky. That made for a fun time as we tried to pack up all of our things!

OUTINGS/EVENTS
The Sojourn Fall Festival was this week! Brian and I helped run a few of the kid events--the ring toss and bowling. Levi helped too! It was a frigid and rainy day, but it was still fun to be a part of.

Lots and lots of packing happened last week! I had to get the last of our apartment packed up for our move on 10/24. I could tell Levi was a bit distraught because of this. He seemed confused and he was very clingy to me all week. But we were super excited to be in our new house! The first night I anticipated Levi to wake up several times. He sure did prove me wrong--he slept 12 hours straight! I was so happy that we all got some much needed rest.

Lastly, we went to Boo at the Zoo this week! We bought tickets for what ended up being one of the coldest nights of the season. It was literally about 35 degrees as we walked around. Levi seemed frozen--he wouldn't even smile. But it was still fun! I'm not sure that we'd go next year. Levi didn't really seem interested yet, but maybe next year he'll be more into the characters! So we'll see! I dressed Levi as a lumberjack.

That's week 46 for ya!

Levi: Week 45 Summary

This is summary for Levi's 45th week, spanning the dates of 10/12-10/18. It was another challenging week!

FEEDING
Not much has changed here! Still nursing 4 times per day. I started supplementing with a 4 oz bottle only after his 3rd feeding (3 PM). Since we only have a month of breastfeeding left, I'm trying to use up some milk I have stored in the freezer during that time. When I run out, I'll continue with formula.

Solids are the same as well! He is eating great and seems to be content with 4 oz of food total per meal.

NAPS
Levi napped a bit better this week, which I was grateful for! Towards the end of the week, he was slowly getting back to his 1-1.5 hour nap in the morning and 1.5-2 hour nap in the afternoon. Most days he did also take a 30-45 minute catnap in the early evening if I noticed him getting fussy. He was much happier on the days he got his full amount of sleep in, that's for sure! He was still pretty sick this week, so the naps he did wake early were due to that.

NIGHTTIME
For the most part, he did a lot better this week sleeping through the night! He was still having some digestion issues from his sickness, so sometimes he would wake in the night from a dirty diaper. Super weird--he has never done that. But once I changed him and fed him a bit, he was right back to sleep. Most nights this week, he would at least sleep 8 hours straight--which is pretty good considering he was super congested.

TEETHING
I can still see his tooth getting lower--his gums have even started coming to a point in that spot--but still no tooth #4! Maybe one of these days it will just poke through. He doesn't seem to be in much pain from it anymore though, which is a great thing!

PERSONALITY
I don't know if it was his sickness, but Levi really started acting out a bit this week. He started seriously crying several times upon taking a toy from him, and he also started arching his back and throwing fits when I changed his diaper. He also has been banging his head against the back of his highchair the past few weeks. Its not that big of a deal (I think he just likes the noise it makes), but his high chair is connected to one of our dining chairs, so we really don't want him to scratch up the chair from all the banging. Both Brian and I consistently and sternly tell him not to do it, but sometimes he'll do it even harder after we say something. He is a really sweet boy and pretty relaxed, but goodness he is stubborn! I can't believe this defiance is already beginning!

MOTOR SKILLS
Levi finally started crawling from room to room this week! If Brian and I are in another room and he is playing elsewhere, he will now come to find us. That is fun! Not much else is new here, though.

OUR SCHEDULE
This is our typical schedule. The only thing that has changed is the amount that we are supplementing with bottles.

7:00 am- nurse
7:30 am- breakfast, independent playtime
8:30 or 9:00 am- nap 
10:00 or 10:30 am- bathtime
11:00 am- nurse, lunch, playtime
12:00 or 12:30 pm- nap
2:30 pm- nurse, 4 oz breastmilk/formula, run errands if necessary
4:30 or 5:00 pm- catnap (usually just 30-45 minutes)
6:00 pm- dinner
7:00 pm- nurse, PJs, family time
7:15 pm- bedtime

OUTINGS/EVENTS
We started packing this week for our big move on 10/24! Levi was super entertained with the boxes, which was really helpful. Is he cute or what?!

Uncle Ethan visited this week as well! He and Brian were taking a modular class together, so Ethan stayed with us for a few days. Levi loved playing with him and I know he recognized him after a month of not seeing him. He sure did miss his Aunt Anna though!

We played at the seminary while Brian and Ethan were browsing in the library. Levi did well in the library for about 10 minutes--and then we decided to head outside.

Lastly, Brian was off work one morning, so the three of us went to Panera for breakfast! Levi loved munching on his own bear-claw. That is a new favorite of his--just like his mama. 

That's all for this week!

Savor.

I feel like too often in my life I am compelled to anticipate the "next step." I find myself anxious about the future and wondering where we'll end up and what we'll be doing. To be honest, I often forget to hand those anxieties and plans over to the Lord, who has been orchestrating my life from the beginning of time. And I often forget to savor the here and now.

To savor the fact that we currently attend (I say "we" because this is clearly a joint effort) one of the largest and, in my opinion, most beautiful seminaries in the US. We are so blessed to be here and to learn here.

To savor our time at Sojourn Community Church as we learn to serve the body of Christ and praise Him with everything that we have.

To savor Louisville, with all its quirkiness and unique character. I know we'll miss it here when it's time to move on.

To savor this last week in our apartment. I mean, yea, the walls are thin and we live across from a DJ--but it has suited our needs. So many people in the world don't even have a place to call home.

To savor this season with Levi as our only child. I can give my undivided attention to him whenever he needs it. And make all kinds of sweet memories with him alone. And sleep when he is sleeping! That is a huge perk.

To savor the beauty of Fall. The red, yellow, and orange leaves. Pumpkin patches and spiced lattes. Boots and scarves. Giving thanks with family and friends. It is a gift.

To savor today. With a baby that loves me so much he just wants to be attached to my hip. With a husband who asks me to make him a sandwich before he heads to work for 9 hours. With boxes upon boxes lining our walls because God has blessed us with earthly possessions that we don't deserve.

Savor today because tomorrow is not promised.

"For in Your sight a thousand years are like a yesterday that passes by, like a few hours of the night. You end their life; they sleep. They are like a grass that grows in the morning--in the morning it sprouts and grows; by evening it withers and dries up." -Psalm 90:4-6

Levi: Weeks 43 & 44 Summary

Oh boy! What a two weeks this has been! Talk about teething and sickness central in our house. As I sit here, I could literally just fall asleep because of how tired and crappy I feel. But I won't--because this summary needs to be written before it turns into a 3 week summary. Here's what has been goin' on with Levi:

FEEDING
We are still nursing and Levi is doing well. He is doing a lot better with not getting distracted, so that's really encouraging. The few times I've pumped in the past two weeks, I have noticed a dip in my supply. And some nights that Levi has woke, he does seem very hungry--so I'm wondering if he has been getting enough milk. His third feeding of the day he only nurses (no solids after) and most days he becomes super super upset come 4 or 5 PM. I'm pretty sure he wasn't getting enough milk at that feeding to hold him over until dinner time. So yesterday, I decided to start supplementing with formula to increase his liquid intake. And Levi is almost his old self again (his teething pain did still affect him though)! At first, he didn't seem to care for the formula or the bottle, but now he is drinking it without issue. So now, at every feeding, I nurse him for 5-10 minutes, give him a 2 oz bottle of formula, and then offer him his solids for that meal. I would like to continue to nurse him until he is 1 year, not only for the health benefits, but also for the fact that we'll need to buy less formula.

Solid feeding is still going great! Levi is eating 3-4 oz of oatmeal mixed with applesauce for breakfast, and 2 oz veggie-based food plus 2 oz of fruit-based food for both lunch and dinner. I usually give him finger foods of some type after at least one meal each day.

I mentioned last week that he disliked the cantaloupe and strawberry puree I made for him. Well, this week I offered it to him only slightly defrosted--more like a sorbet. He didn't absolutely love it, but he did eat all of it! Especially when I took some small bites of it as well.

NAPS
Still rough on the naps the past two weeks. He woke up very early for almost every one! I'm ready for this teething pain to be over so that he'll be more well rested and happy again.

NIGHTTIME
Also, rough these two weeks! Levi woke anywhere from 1-3 times per night--usually at very random times. This is what makes me think it was due to teething pain. Even though I didn't want to (for fear of creating a habit), usually I would just nurse him to get him to calm down. He would fall back asleep quickly if I did that. Fingers crossed that he isn't affected by that in the coming weeks!

TEETHING
Yep, they are definitely comin'! His snaggletooth (left lateral incisor) is slowly making its way farther down and his right lateral incisor is more visible (through his gum) by the day. I'm praying it cuts through soon--this one seems to be the most painful for Levi yet. He seems to be experiencing a lot more teething symptoms with this tooth than any other so far. Yesterday and today, almost every diaper is a poopy one and its very runny (sorry for TMI). This has also caused a terrible diaper rash, which causes him to scream in pain every time I wipe him. I feel so so bad for him! Some other minor symptoms include him pulling on his right ear (no ear infection--already checked with his doctor), redness on his right cheek, cold-like symptoms, and super grumpiness.

MOTOR SKILLS
Not too much is new in this area! Oh, Levi has almost mastered his pincer grasp, which is especially helpful for picking up his beloved Cheerios. He also will rock back and forth now when he hears music--like he's dancing! I love that.

OUR SCHEDULE
While these past two weeks have been a bit more sporadic than usual, this is our schedule each day (each time listed is give or take 15 minutes):

7:00 am- nurse, 2 oz bottle of formula
7:30 am- breakfast, independent playtime
8:30-9:00 am- nap (this varies based on how well he slept the night before, how he is feeling, etc.)
10:00-10:30 am- bathtime
11:00 am- nurse, 2 oz bottle formula, lunch, playtime
12:00-12:30 pm- nap
2:30 pm- nurse, 2 oz formula, run errands if necessary
4:30-5:00 pm- catnap (usually just 30-45 minutes)
6:00 pm- dinner
7:00 pm- nurse, PJs, family time
7:15 pm- bedtime

OUTINGS/EVENTS
Big boy turned 10 months old on October 1st! So far, this has been one of the worst months of his life, but I know it will start improving soon. Here are some photos from his 10-month photo shoot:

The lip!

Levi seems to be feeling fine when we are out and about so...

We took many trips to Target.

And the SBTS pool!

And a friend came to play with us for the day.

We also took a trip to the zoo! Levi got to feed (and see up close) a giraffe for the first time! He seemed to really like it.

Levi also had more baths than usual these past two weeks--because he just loves the bath. And it helps him to forget how cruddy he feels :)

 
That's all for now!